So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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