Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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