For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
