you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
