Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
