eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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