A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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