just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
