meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
