Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
