He disabled his match.com account in front of me
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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