Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
