my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
