well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
