one word: firstdatebathroomanal
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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