THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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