I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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