I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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