At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Randomize
