all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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