your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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