Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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