woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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