I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
