EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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