Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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