We're like a lot better than the average bears
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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