I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
