bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
