how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
It's no shave November. This is our time.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
