My Higher Power is John Stamos
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
