Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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