Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Is it because I queefed?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
