I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
