I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
