I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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