what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
