I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I wish there were birth control emojis
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
