the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
