one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
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