so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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