Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
It's shark week go big or go home
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
