everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
