I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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