Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
