I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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