I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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