this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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