God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
