I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
