We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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