Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
